im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
