I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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