Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
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