can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize