Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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