Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
