I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
