Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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