I can't breathe out the right side of my face
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
