i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
