we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize