theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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