Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
please come you make the beer taste better
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
