yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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