When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
