We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
