I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
