it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
