Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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