If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
