someone get that fucking seahorse.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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