nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
