i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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