People with herpes should wear stickers.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
