ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
