All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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