i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
