Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
