my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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