eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
