i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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