ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize