The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
