i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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