the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
