Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
