R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Randomize
