Your face is a jimmy john
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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