a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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