Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
