I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
