so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
