Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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