2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Four minutes until I can fart!
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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