I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I need to stop coming to work sober
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
