Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
