I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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