Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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