Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
