closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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