John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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