he wants to bone in the snuggie
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
