I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
