I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize