Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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