she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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