Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
