TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
