he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
