Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
