Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
