Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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