i need an iv and a liver transplant
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
