he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
