I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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